So yeah. . . the first few post I'm going to admit are not going to be fun, because they are all going to be past things I've written or published on facebook that I felt should be shown somewhere other than facebook or something I didn't think was "appropriate" for facebook. . .In other words (for those who either choose not to read between the lines or just can't read bewteen them) keeping certain eyes from my business.
The few things I put up, unless I say different are all relating to this past semester where I went through a mental change in my person. Because of someone I care for dearly now as days go on.
This piece. . .Complications of the Heart. . .I don't feel like writing the rest. . . is important to me for reasons that are deeper than most realize. Only few who've read this know it's importance and I'd love to keep it that way.
I was thinking after a long night in Woodruff Library tonight and a number of things happened, I began to wonder...why does the heart do the things it does after one bad experience?...
How is that this one moment defined my future...
Of how I think when I see another after you,
Of who I let meet the newest chapter in my life because of you,
How I'm able to let go so easily when I tried so hard to hold on...
It's the complications of the heart,
Something that happens to everyone,
But each person has their own story,
A story of pain so agonizing...
That even the toughest of people are brought to their knees,
Because they have their own complication,
Mines is not as bad as most,
Seeing how our relationship was approaching it's climax...
I cared for you and everything you wanted to do,
And when we ended I was prepared to be involved with you there after,
Something I never said to you straight up,
Until you sent me that message of an action committed by the one I called 'brother',
The message of the lust that took place in a home I never had a chance to step a foot in,
And to have you telling me you want me back consecutive times after this deed took place,
It was there where the complication began...
It built a wall,
That was still at ground zero but couldn't be moved,
And those very few that could get by the wall, never knew they could,
I waited and waited for someone that could step into that place,
And then you came,
Everyone knew I liked you but you but you never knew how to tell me that you didn't
But I was fine with that cause you were a good friend of mine, I didn't want to mess that up,
And with you, we've always had a chance to work, but you caught on too late for anything to happpen...
A new chapter began in a new place I call home,
I thought I had found someone who I could understand,
Not that you were a mistake,
You had your wall and I had mine,
Both for different but similar reasons,
Both forms of heart complications,
And for once you began to let a person in pass yours as did I,
But your wall was so thick to protect yourself that every time i stepped in I was pushed out again and again,
Hurting me more and more every time. . .
I gave you my all but nothing was resulting from it,
Or you just didn't want to show me I guess. . .
But because of that our chapter had to come to an intermission,
One that I thought wouldn't last too long between us
Until a new character stepped into this book and began their own chapter. . .
I never wanted that intermission to end so abruptly,
But things just happened that way,
And for that I apologize. . .
And I hope that I can help you make a change that I tried so hard to make while we were together,
To save the next man from possible heart complications with you. . .
You are my newest chapter,
Who seems to have my happy ever after ending,
You stepped in when my heart was adding on another layer onto the wall,
But you stopped that,
You changed my world,
You are my surgeon to who is repairing my heart,
Ceasing the complications,
Ending the pain,
Ending the mistrust,
And beginning the the end of my search for love,
My surgeon is fixing that and I want you to know that,
So when I have my issues,
My moments of anger,
It's not towards you,
It's my anger towards myself because I am fighting my heart,
To let it know you are there to fix it,
Not hurt it like times before,
Because you are the surgeon,
My surgeon,
You make no mistakes,
You heal,
Repair,
And make a new,
And that's what you're doing for me,
And I love you. . .
October 27, 2008 was the day my surgeon entered the emergency room and went to work
To those who read this, don't think it's a bashing of your character, I'm only asking you to know that your actions have consequences and that you don't want to be that one person who causes another to feel such a pain. To the ones who originally gave my heart it's complication I don't hate you, I want to say I'm sorry for not talking this out like you wanted to, that was very childish, and if you want to still I'm willing to. To the one I left on intermission, I apologize for leaving so soon, and I still talk to you, not so I can have you back, but so we can be friends. I want you to understand that you are a good person deep down if you allow people to see that, and you don't have to be isolated so much, I don't want you to miss out on someone who could be the potential 'one' because you hand him that pain of a heart complication, you don't know the love you are capable of. Allow your trust to slowly take over sometimes. To those that missed our chance, I'm happy we are still friends and I hope it stays that way and if we are not, the wall is the reason we never could have a chance. And to my surgeon, I thank you the most, you saved me from myself and all my bullshit, you understand my faults due to my condition and accept me for them. . . I always and forever will love you for that. I let my thoughts run wild sometimes and these are the kind of things that are produced, and I'm not trying to be rude to anyone by hurting their feelings, I'm only trying to explain my thoughts the best I can. . . I love you all in one way or another.
~ JBlanco ~
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